A Discussion is Not a Debate: How to Keep Discussions Friendly by Holding Context

Club meeting scenario: The discussion starts. The members are enjoying an interesting conversation with like-minded people. Then someone makes a controversial statement.

Within moments, two warring camps are battling for victory. Sarcasm, accusations, and insults are flying. When the dust settles, there are hurt feelings, and several people will never attend your club's meetings again (including some of the silent observers).

Why does this happen, and how can you avoid it? Part of the problem is that people come into the meeting with the mindset for a debate, not a discussion. A discussion is a meeting of equals, who want to clarify their own thoughts by bouncing them off others and hearing different points of view. It's the opposite of a debate.

Here are two important ways that a debating mindset derails a discussion:

1. A debate is a competition. The goal is to quash the opposition, not to learn from them. As a result, when a controversial point is raised, those with a debating mindset go into attack mode. They operate on the assumption that someone has to win the argument and someone has to concede.

In reality, people are rarely convinced of much during a discussion. There is not enough time and quiet for the reflection needed to change their minds. In his course Objective Communication, Leonard Peikoff suggested that a better goal is to get a person to say "huh." In other words, offer them food for thought. Once in a while, someone will have a "eureka!" moment in response. More often, someone will change his mind only upon further reflection.

To help the group keep a discussion mindset, ask everyone to not try to convince other people of their views during the meeting. Rather, ask them to remember that other people's views are simply stimulation for their own thinking. Leave room for people to disagree for now and think about it later.

2. A debate consists of prepared presentations. You expect polished formulations, and hold the speakers to every implication of their words. As a result, when someone says something imprecise or vague, those with a debating mindset go into accusation mode, attributing all the implications of the formulation to the speaker, and often putting the speaker on the defensive.

This is unfair. You can't expect formal preparation in an extemporaneous discussion. It will necessarily contain much thinking aloud. A participant often won't have thought all the way through the ideas he’s sharing. Rather than assume the speaker affirms all the implications of what he says, it is more reasonable to assume he didn't see the bad implications, and will be grateful to you for pointing them out in a friendly way.

To help everyone keep a discussion mindset, remind people: "This is thinking aloud." Leave room for people to share tentative ideas without fear of attack. You are more likely to entice shy members into the discussion if they know they will get friendly, constructive responses rather than scorn.

Discussions can be terrific. Other people's views can be interesting, surprising, and thought-provoking. Their comments can help you clarify your own thoughts, discover weaknesses in your arguments, and raise things you hadn't considered. Their additions to your ideas can lead to new insights neither of you would have made alone. They can be an exciting and energizing learning experience for everyone—if you hold the context that it's a discussion, not a debate.

Jean Moroney is President of Thinking Directions (http://www.thinkingdirections.com). She teaches thinking tactics to managers and other professionals grappling with the pace and complexity of business. As a graduate student, she ran the campus club at Carnegie Mellon for one year. Since then she has run a local Toastmasters club for many years, a task which poses similar challenges.